


I need someone to love.

by brieIarson



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:54:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24119839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brieIarson/pseuds/brieIarson
Summary: “ It was artistic – the way they were painted. Eddie’s nose was pressed against Buck’s back; the cedarwood soap overwhelming every sense of his body, but the scent still seemed to appease him.“
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 188





	I need someone to love.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by "Red Dust" by James Vincent McMorrow.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was artistic – the way they were painted. Eddie’s nose was pressed against Buck’s back; the cedarwood soap overwhelming every sense of his body, but the scent still seemed to appease him. His arms were protectively wrapped around his body. At this moment, nothing could hurt them. They were faced towards the window, the morning sun peeking through the sheerness of the white curtains. The rays danced circles on Buck’s pale skin, heating his cheeks. But it was not necessary. The man was wrapped in his own heated blanket. Eddie’s skin was warm with lust and desire – it could burn him at any moment, and Buck would let him.

Buck wanted to turn and look at him; to appreciate every delicate feature on his face. He wanted to trace every line and curve, and every sharp edge. He wanted to soothe the tension in his bones, to press his thumb against his furrowed brow because even sleeping, Eddie Diaz was still fighting a war in his mind. But instead, he laid still in the bed, not wanting to disturb him.

He looked at the hands were wrapped around him, looking at how forcibly they were pressed against him as if he were to run away. Buck could write a book about his hands. He could feel the reminiscent touch of last night making his face flush. They were gentle and delicate, yet intense and eager to touch every inch of Buck’s body.

The sun was too bright, he thought, it would interrupt his sleep soon as it did to him. But the image of the fervent sun making Eddie’s skin glow did not disgust him.

He closed his eyes again, trying to block the sunlight. He found it best to fall asleep again because he knew that the next moment, he was to open his eyes, Eddie would be gone.

And he was right. When he opened his eyes again, the weight of the world fell back on to his shoulders. He could freely move now. He stretched out his limbs, his arm extending to the other side of the bed, hoping that maybe he had just moved, but the bed was empty and cold. He let his hand stroke the vacant bed, every cell in his body being stimulated by just the slight feeling of him.

Of course, he eventually moved. He took a shower to clean the previous night away, but even if the feeling was gone, the memory wasn’t. His mind couldn’t stop thinking of him, and maybe he spent an extra amount of time in the shower to think of him.

He could admit that he was afraid to go into work because he would see Eddie again, but this time in a different light. His persona from the night before would be different, he knew that. The same eyes that carefully examined every exposed area of his body were not going to be the same eyes that looked at him today. And he couldn’t prepare himself for that type of disappointment.

He sat in his car, maybe a little too long, delaying his chagrin. Hen knocked on the window, flashing him a charming smile. He rolled down the window, taking a long exhale that formed into a smile.

“Hey, Buckaroo, just gonna sit in here all day?” She asked, leaning her arm on the frame.

“Is that an option?” He asked with a slight tone of derision.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just didn’t get enough sleep, that’s all.”

“Oh, let me tell you, Nia was up-all-night crying, the poor thing came down with a fever.”

“Is she alright?”

“Oh yeah, Karen’s with her,” She said, “I just felt so bad leaving her.”

“I’m sure Cap would’ve given you the day off.”

“Karen insisted I come to work today” She sighed with slight dismay. “Speaking of Cap though, I hear he’s making French toast, better get in there before Chim eats it all.”

“Thanks, Hen.”

She smiled graciously, walking away from the car and into the station. His smile immediately fell as the window rolled up.

He knew that she knew; maybe not the specifics of whatever relationship Buck and Eddie had, but she knew the way Buck’s eyes beamed at the slight mention of Eddie, and how eager he was to spend any time at his side. But she wasn’t going to push because Buck never responded kindly to that approach.

He exited the car after five minutes of deliberation. He walked into the station with a quick pace, trying to avoid any possible conversation that could put him in the line of Eddie. And yet, all he felt was eyes looking at him, he felt fingers pointing at him and laughing at him.

He strode across the station to the locker room, trying to settle the panic in his system. He sat on the bench forcefully, pitching his bag towards the lockers. He was now acting out of humiliation.

“Be careful, I don’t think Jackson would respond to a dented locker nicely.”

Buck head’s spun. Eddie stood at the door, leaning on the frame is if it were made for him.

 _“Hi”_ was all Buck could manage, his throat tightening.

“You okay?” Eddie asks, now moving towards Buck, but he stood quickly from the bench, almost wanting to dissolve into the lockers behind him.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” He said. Both parties knew it was an obvious lie. But Buck couldn’t help the words that escaped his mouth, it was an instant reaction.

“Okay, well Chim-”

“You know what, no, I’m not fine.”

“Do you-”

“You weren’t there this morning,” He said interrupting Eddie, the words he never dared to say now flowing out of his mouth. “I don’t want you to regret what we did, or think that what we did was wrong, because it wasn’t, or at least to me it wasn’t.”

Eddie stood back, holding himself. “Buck…”

“God, Eddie, the way you made me feel last night was electrifying, and I know – Eddie - I know you felt it too.”

“Buck.”

“You don’t even understand the way you make me feel and I just can’t pretend that I don’t feel it. I don’t want it to be a mistake, I don’t want to pretend that it didn’t happen, or that it was a mistake, I don’t want it to be a one-time thing. I want to-to wake up with you every morning, I want to make you pancakes for breakfast because God knows you can’t cook. And I want to fall asleep with you on the couch after a long day, watching a terrible movie that we weren’t actually paying attention to. I want-”

“Evan!”

The use of his first name had interrupted his train of thought. Eddie had only ever called him Evan once – in bed.

“I left this morning because I was scared” Eddie spoke indistinctly, crossing his arms over his chest as if he were building a barrier between them.

“What?

“I-I’m not used to this, okay?” Eddie shifted. “I’ve only ever been with Shannon, this-this is all new territory for me. When I woke up this morning, there were just a million thoughts running in my head and it was overwhelming.”

“Why?”

“Because you-I was never allowed to have these feelings for…men. I did once and my dad pushed it aside for me like it was his choice to make.” Eddie’s shoulders tensed at the slight mention of his father which left an unsettling feeling in Buck’s stomach. “It’s not like he was against gay people, he just didn’t want one of his own. So, I suppressed it, until I met you.”

Buck had now suddenly felt guilty.

“Eddie, I didn’t mean-”

“No, please, let me finish.”

“When I woke up this morning, I just-all I heard was my dad. All I heard was him telling me that I’m not supposed to feel that way about a man, so I ran.”

Eddie sat at the end of the bench, shoulders hunch over in defeated position. His hands clasped together, interlacing his fingers into a tight fist.

“I want to wake up with you too, I want to do all of those things, with you – I’m just not sure if _I’m_ ready.” He didn’t want to say it, maybe because he didn’t know that’s how he felt, or maybe because he didn’t want to watch Buck’s face as he did.

“Then I’ll wait,” Buck said in a determined tone, “I’ll wait for you to ready.” He kneeled in front of him, looking at him with an expression that said, _‘can I touch you?’_ Eddie’s own expression reads like a somber _‘please.’_ ’

“I’ll wait for you, Eddie, because I love you.” Eddie’s eyes met his in a frightened look, but Buck was now confident in his guise. Although, his stomach felt a certain way. “I love you, so if I have to wait thirty years for you to be ready, I will, okay?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about.”

“No, Evan, please, I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to wait for someone who’s locked himself in a closet.” And even with that solemn sentiment, Eddie laughed, although strained and hoarse.

“Then I’ll find the key,” Buck said with a small smile, which Eddie laughed again, shaking his head. “That was bad.”

“Yeah, it was.”

Eddie’s laugh, the one that was content and dulcet, was music to Buck’s ears. It placed a smile on his lips as he reached out to touch his cheek, rubbing his thumb tenderly on his cheek.

“You don’t have to be ready now, or at all, but I want you to know that you don’t have to repress your feelings anymore, you don’t have to pretend that they don’t exist,” He said, almost as if he was speaking out of experience. “And if you need help to understand those feelings, I’m here.”

Eddie nodded slowly, his hands steadily falling apart.

“You really don’t think I can cook?”

Eddie’s sudden question made him let out a gentle laugh. He stood from the ground, shaking his head.

“We were having a moment and you ruined it.”

“I ruined it?”

“Yes, yes you did,” Buck chuckled, “I was almost about to cry for you too.”

“Oh, I would’ve loved to see that.”

“I’m sure you would.”

The two sat in a comfortable silence; Eddie looked down at the ground, his mind trying to process just the words Buck had been saying. Buck had finally opened his locker, tugging on his street clothes to change.

“Hey, Buck, did you really mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“That you would wait?”

“Yes.”

“And what if I’m never ready?”

“I’ll wait.”

Eddie nodded, standing from the bench to leave the room. “Thank you, Buck.”

“For what?”

“For waiting.”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on twitter: https://twitter.com/luvlarsons


End file.
